What I am about to confess will cost me friendships. It may also affect my relationship with family. Business colleagues and neighbors may now shun me. But I must do it. I feel compelled to do this in order to be free.
I watched the acceptance speech by Jodie Foster at the Golden Globes and what she had to say about her life and essentially living in the truth, affected me deeply. 2012 was a year when I spent 99% of my time being politically correct. I spoke of being "authentic" whenever I got the chance, online and off.
But I wasn't living it. No indeed....that was just words.
I am a horrible person. I am an ugly person. I will now cop to being a bigoted and divisive person. And more than anything I am a hypocrite.
Some time ago because I had my millionth online stalker, I closed my account on NV. With it went years of articles and comments posted over the years. If I had not deleted all those articles and comments, along with the current ones listed, you would think I was this really cool, open-minded Black woman from the Midwest. Some conservative views to be sure, but much more liberal in my views on the whole.
That is not who I am.
I am not open minded regarding homosexuality. If clothing designer Tim Gunn were to ask me to marry him tomorrow, I would. If I had the opportunity to make out with actor Alan Cumming tonight, I would. I can understand and appreciate why men are attracted to men but can not for the life of me understand how a woman can't lust for a man but instead desire another woman. That grosses me out. Why am I attracted to Gay men? I prefer "manly" deep voiced, assertive, tell-it-like-it-is John Wayne type men. So why do I find men like Nathan Lane so appealing? When Chastity Bono got her sex change I was equally disgusted. Ellen Degeneres is hilarious, but if I allow my mind to see her as a lesbian - who she really is - I am uncomfortable with her.....why? I do not believe in same sex marriage. There I said it. I hate that I feel that way, I don't want to feel that way but I do.
I like Gay people but don't understand them. 2013 I will try to understand them. And until I do, I will not speak in the hypocritical manner I have done my entire life.
I believe abortion is wrong. Not because of anything religious, but because I can look around me and see all the beautiful children in my family and others that wouldn't be here today if their mothers had chose to kill them. I always think we will never know who that baby that was killed - vacuumed from a woman's body - could have grown to be. Could they have found the cure for cancer? Since I am being honest for the first time, let me also confess that I do believe women have more abortions as a manner of birth control. This is something I have never confessed to and have always sided with those that think to the contrary. But there it is....I said it. Judge me as you will, I will accept your criticism, I have no choice.
I hate accents. I think if you choose to live in America you should at least try to speak English. I don't like broken English. If I see a Black, Asian, Hispanic or Middle Easterners on TV and they speak perfect English, I am much more comfortable with them. I despise Black people that use slang and profanity. I think it makes my race sound ignorant.
I do really love America - but hate most Americans. That was really hard to confess. I feel I am living in a world where people are out of step. I'm tired of hearing grown men and women talk about their kids being their "best friends" instead of being a parent. I'm tired of teens having sex early, doing drugs and getting involved with crime....while their parents chalk it up to "a natural part of growing up - spreading their wings" I don't like teenagers, but I will try to in 2013. I don't like tattoos and body piercings.
The people that beg for money on the streets....I don't feel for you. I lied. My first thought when I see you begging is that you are a blight on my community. I understand there are poor people in America, I consider myself to be poor. But must they be on our streets, out in the open looking.....poor? I don't feel for women that are in abusive relationships, I see you as weak. For years and years I have said both online and off that women in abusive relationships need compassion. I lied. I see you as weak. I don't understand how a woman can stay with a man that told you he loved you and then turned around and hit you. I would leave. Yet so many women stay? I have no respect for women that stay in abusive relationships. But I will try to in 2013.
I never loved the men I was in relationships with, not one. I lied. I wallowed in playing the victim and blaming them for the failure of our relationships. But if I am to be honest - and I will - I was in relationships with flawed men that were likewise merely looking for companionship. They didn't really want me and I really didn't want them. We settled. I have posted MANY articles and blogs all over the internet about how secure and happy my past relationships have been. I lied. I have never been loved, nor been in love. I have had sex but have never been made love to. TMI I know.....but I am trying to step out of the web of lies I have been living under.
I do hate being followed every time I go shopping and yes, I do think it is racist. I don't like it when you rave about my voice, I recognize that is code for "You don't sound Black" I'm not stupid. I do think Black girls and women can be "too loud and abrasive" and I do think there are a lot of White people like "Honey Boo Boo" - much more than we will admit. I do have a problem with illegal immigrants swarming into America. It irks me to see signage all over the place that is half English and half Spanish. Just as I am equally annoyed by recorded messages asking me "For English press 1....for Spanish press Numero Uno...." I hate that. I do have a slight uneasiness if I have to fly on a plane with a middle easterner in a turban or Indian garb. I know...I know... all Indians are not terrorists, just as not all Black boys are gang members....but there are some that are, and you just never know. I know that is ugly to say....but I am being honest. I do find grossly obese people disgusting to look at. I'm sorry.
As I look back on my life, especially 2012, the only belief I have actually changed that I can be honest about, is that I now accept that people are and have every right to be Atheist. I am a Christian and always will be. I accept that it is not only wrong for me or any other Christian to say they will "pray for" a non-believer, but instead I recognize because they are non believers my prayers would be wasted on them. God doesn't exist to them, nor do they to God. We DON'T all pray to the same deity. It is sanctimonious for me or any other Christian to believe OUR God hears all prayers. He does not. That I have come to peace with and accept. So maybe there is some hope for me in 2013.
I know I am not alone on many of these issues. The difference I would argue is the depth of my deception. Years and years, decade after decade of putting on a false public persona as if I am the light of love and acceptance. When in fact I am far from it. Speaking words of inclusiveness one second, and then walking away, rolling my eyes in disgust.
I am Belinda Joy. I am a hypocrite. I am a bigot. I am prejudice. I am bias. I am a liar.
But 2013 I am going to work on changing how I think. I desperately want to become the person I have been pretending to be for so many years.